Juggling Life with Joy!

Juggling Life with Joy!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

I Can Only Imagine

So, it has really taken me some time to really express how I have been since my daddy passed away. Honestly,I have really been a little afraid to blog about it. My feelings are so raw about everything, that I was afraid that I would come across as not having faith or hope. But, I decided a long time ago that I was going to be real! That just because I am a pastor's wife, that I can't be an emotional mess from time to time! See, when I was much younger and new at this ministry stuff, I didn't know how to be a pastor's wife! I actually hated did not like my first impression of being a pastor's wife! Trust me, I looked to see if they had a college class on being a PW!! haha! But thankfully, in God's perfect timing, he sent us to this sweet country church called dawson baptist church. They let me grow in my faith, and, well pretty much grow up! (Cut me some slack, I was only 19 when I married Hilton.) I stuck my mouth in my foot several times but they were very gracious and patient to let me learn what I really knew inside the whole time! TO BE REAL! You see, there are no perfect people including PW's! I was so down and out before I realized  that I did know how to be a PW...poor bethel baptist church! HAHA!

Anyway, so I am going to be real talking here about my dad. And I do have lots of faith and hope! But...I am human! I hurt, am sad, and have cried alot!

 I am very close to my parents. Our relationship has not always been perfect, but we would never let hours, or even days go by without asking for forgiveness and love. I loved it when mom and dad would come up here in Virginia and spend the weekend with us. No matter how much they came, when they left we always would cry. My kids love and adore both of them with all their heart. My husband had a very special bond with both of them. He looked up to my dad because daddy could fix anything. Daddy always had a project to work on here at our house when he would come. He loved Hilton like a son, and they did things together often. Not many son in laws have a special relationship like that with the father in law. I am thankful that we were able to have that.
Daddy loved his grandchildren. Recently, mom gave me dad's phone and his computer, and almost every pic was of one of the grandchildren, or him and mom somewhere together. Speaking of together...mom and dad had 34 years of marriage together. Life was not always perfect, but they worked hard to keep the marriage and love together. She is an awesome wife! I can't wait til my next post blogging about what an amazing woman she is!
Anyway, his life was about family. He loved it when the family came together. It was hard for him when we moved away to Virginia four years ago. He cried, but he knew it was the right thing and he gave us his blessing!
Daddy liked weird things. Like those tv shows that tell you how they put things together. For example, learning how they make the mold to make the post to a lamp. He was a very smart man. There was nothing my dad could not fix and if he didn't know how he went and bought a book on it to learn.  I never would take a mechanic's advice on anything until I talked to my dad about it. He could fix ANYTHING!!! He loved coffee, Barnes and Noble, the beach, country music, mustangs, racing, the restaurants that was run locally not by a chain company, Cracker Barrell, fried chicken, biscuits, biscuits,biscuits(ha) baking, Christmas, decorating, to talk, Lowes Home Improvement, auto part stores, movies, making fun of mom, the mountains, The Home Place,...LIFE!
Anyway, I just feel like at the moment that I am in a fog. I have heard alot of people say that when a loved one dies. So I am borrowing it. I feel like since June 4th that I am just going through the motions of my daily routines. I still cry every day. There is always a memory to pop up or I see something that daddy would like to know. Things still run in my head about his whole hospital ordeal. The whys and what if's about his surgery, and care. Through this, I have felt God's peace, but I do miss him. I know where he is and am so thankful he is fully healed.
You see, daddy wanted to live! I will never understand why he went the way he did. For those of you who don't know, daddy was in the hospital for 7 up and down roller coaster weeks. He fought really hard. Daddy never really talked much about his cancer leading up to his surgery. Daddy just wanted to do whatever it took to get rid of it. He was so brave and did whatever the doctors asked of him. We had some precious moments during that hospital stay. I told him constantly how proud I was of him and how much I loved him. One day when I came in he grinned and winked at me. He couldn't talk because he was on a ventilator. That wink meant the world to me. A few days before he could do that, we had almost lost him and they heavily sedated him to let his body rest. I will never forget that wink. Then another time, when I came in he smiled at me and rubbed my hair, told me it was light(it really needed color) and that I was pretty.  Then one time I told him if he didn't get well I was going to go get his mustand and take it for a ride. He whispered and made driving motions with his hands and told me to go get the mustang and come pick him up and I could drive. My most favorite memory, was when we took all the grandchildren down to see him and he was so alert and happy! That was only a week before he passed. I praise God that he got better briefly to see those grandbabies.
Deep down, I really am thankful for the way that daddy died. He went so peacefully and he was surrounded by his wife, my brother and his wife, hilton and me, two of my aunts, his sister and husband, and his mother in law(grammy). Yes, I am selfish and REALLY wanted him to stay here on earth with us. But God has a greater plan. Before daddy's surgery we still had lots of fun family get togethers. We didn't really dwell on the cancer daddy was facing. He was beating it at the time. That is why it was so shocking that dad died due to his complicated liver! Some families don't have that. They go through devasting years, month, days, hours and watch sickness overcome a loved one. I honestly believe it would have been more horrible for daddy to die from the cancer. He really loved his life and family. Years ago our family had to deal with losing my grandfather from cancer and we watched that cancer just slowly take him away. I am thankful my children did not witness that. Cancer is a hard thing to deal with. I know daddy would have cried and cried if he had to be totally aware. Daddy was so tired at the end, and he was ready for rest. He was ready for heaven.
The song I can only imagine was played at his funeral. That song will never be the same for me. I know he is having a wonderful time up in heaven, and has met Jesus and reunited with his grandparents and his dad joined him two weeks ago. He has met our sweet baby, Bailey that we lost due to miscarriage 6 years ago. He has a sweet grandbaby in heaven! If there is one thing I know he loved and that was his grandchildren!
My heart breaks more easily now than ever since he died. It is really hard when my children cry for him. I am so proud of them. They have handled it well. They still ask why did he have to die and we sit and talk about it and cry. We are slowly getting back to our new normal. Right now it seems that it is getting harder than easier. We are having to realize life without him. It is just plain hard. We are in a season of mourning and sadness. We miss him. We want to hear his voice, and his laugh. Silly, I even miss his smell of his aftershave.

I know in time, we will get through this tough time. God has already been very gracious and sent so much peace with our family. I am so blessed that we have a hope that this is our temporary home and that one day we will see daddy again. How do people deal with things like this without faith in God?? It is so hard having faith, I can't imagine not having faith.

Thank you all for who have been praying for our family. We have felt your love and prayers and so thankful for every prayer spoken. If there is one more thing I can say to add to this...please realize how precious every moment you have with your family is. Take pictures, tell them how much you love them, never let a day go by if you are angry with someone without resolving it, make lots and lots of memories..even if it's just at home or running errands..laugh about something with your children...as my cousin's wife said on facebook recently.

Life is fleeting,make it count. Stephanie Mize

We love you daddy! Thank you for laughter, and smiles and silly songs! I am so thankful for all the happy times we were able to have as a family! You were the best grandfather! Your grandchildren have so many wonderful memories to cherish! You will never be forgotton!

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